We’re into the top 10 now, so let’s see which cinematic turds made the cut…
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More than any other year before it, 2014 was the year that audiences FINALLY started to see through the Michael Bay illusion.
With the fourth instalment in the money-raking yet creatively-bankrupt Transformers franchise, nothing felt fresh even with a new cast (Mark Wahlberg adds “giant robots” to a list of things he’s talked to in movies, including teddy bears and plastic plants) and the promise that things would be way different from everything before. Of course, that turned out to be one of Bay’s mere parlour trick; cities kept being destroyed, metal kept punching metal, and there seemed to be no effort to try and be different.
An overlong running time (did this seriously need to be two-and-a-half hours long?), a plot that makes zero sense, and a complete waste of the Dinobots add to a pruning example of commercial cinema that serves no other purpose but to sell the product unto its target audience.
The comforting news that Bay has seemingly turned down the inevitable fifth film is promising, since it’s about time the Autobots and Decepticons were put into more competent and caring hands…
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The Bay backlash (or “Bay-klash”, if you will) continues with another CG-ified action-crammed dumping on people’s childhoods, but this time it’s something more intertwined with popular culture which makes it just a little worse than the other Bay flick of the year.
Now, the Turtles were never considered high art to begin with – and in some respects there is an understanding to the stupidity of it all, given how stupid it all was to begin with – but even still, they deserve more than this train-wreck. A plot that’s all over the place, little to no definable characterisation, some incredibly dull action, and one of the most uncomfortable pieces of product placement all year make it a delight for pre-adolescent boys and a waste of time for everyone else with a higher IQ.
Though Bay only produced this one (leaving Battle: Los Angeles director Jonathan Liebesman to do his best/worst Bay impression), it’s his product all the way through and the film is worse off for it.
Let’s just say we’re not hopeful for the forthcoming sequel…
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Comedies about sex have been around for years, but most of them at least tried to be about something more than doing the nasty. Sex Tape is not one of those films.
It appears to be under the delusion that its only identity is sex, sex and additional sex, and as such offers little else in ways of actual jokes, character, or even story. It’s like being trapped in a room with Jay from The Inbetweeners, being forced to listen to ludicrous tales of debauchery that may not even have happened, and as such it’s incredibly frustrating and annoying to listen to after a while.
Although it suffers from a severe identity crisis, it also suffers due to its lacking humour, blatant product placement (certain Apple products play a large part in the overall narrative) and ill-conceived premise that gets bigger and dumber for no real reason.
As blasphemous as it may seem on the Internet, this is a Sex Tape you definitely want to avoid. Though it’s not the worst Cameron Diaz film of the year…
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This is a classic example of a film with the studio’s thumbprints all over it – a bloated, clichéd and all-round pointless exercise in mining a gothic legend for all it’s worth.
To start, did we even need an origin story about Count Dracula in the first place? Telling us about how he was a boring family man who took on a curse to protect the ones he loved <yawn> loses any mystery that Bram Stoker’s creation originally had, and what they deliver is so half-assed an so uninterested in itself that you’re more intrigued by watching the minutes tick by on your watch. When a character dies, no-one cares because the film never bothered to even say who they were; and poor Dominic Cooper, saddled with one of two crappy villain roles this year (the other will be revealed in good time), loses all dignity with a laughably bad accent (he’s supposed to be Turkish, apparently) and a ridiculously one-dimensional personality.
The action is incomprehensible, the atmosphere is very dark and unpleasant, and it all comes down to one anticlimactic and predictable outcome. It’s cinema-filler, but the worst kind.
Insert your own “it sucks” punchline here.
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We knew that the action stars of old – Stallone, Schwarzenegger et al – had been struggling with current audience approval for a while now, but if The Expendables 3 proves anything then it’s that their cases are hopeless.
A franchise-killer if there ever was one, it endlessly jumps the shark with no intention of softening the blow, especially when taking on a group of younger, dumber and personality-free dimwits who contribute nothing and leave no impact. Even Stallone and co are left to rot, given nothing but boring action set-pieces to roll their eyes at and collect another glistening paycheck. Though Mel Gibson as the villain can be entertaining at times – and before you get out your pitchforks, it’s only because of how bat-stirring crazy he can be – the rest of the film is a slog to sit through, making it one of the dullest action movies in years.
However, we would be interested to see how they can get themselves out of this corner with the inevitable fourth film (“one last ride”, as the promotional material declared? Suuuuuure, it is…)