The moment of truth is here: which five films made the absolute bottom of the pile this year? If you’ve been on this site long enough, you probably know what #1 is already. But for everyone else, let’s get cracking…
5 – SCARY MOVIE 5
The above trailer is just 20 seconds long, that’s just under half a minute of pure pain, substituting for comedy. Trust us, we’re sparing you.
A spoof franchise that should have been dead in the water a long time ago is somehow resurrected and causing comedy hernias that even Happy Madison would consider to be too much. Once more putting together “spoofs” of horror films like Paranormal Activity, Mama, Inception for some reason, and – in a spoof movie first – the very first cinematic incarnation of Fifty Shades of Grey. While you’re hoping that Sam Taylor-Johnson’s forthcoming adaptation is not as bad as Jerry O’Connell’s version, nothing in this movie becomes a comedic whole. As stated before, it’s just horrific to sit through, and when it reaches a truly dreadful bad-taste gag involving the rectum of a young girl you’ll almost consider walking out.
File Scary Movie 5 under the “Why?” category, and hope that this series of cancer stays exactly where it belongs…
4 – A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
It was a real debate over whether A Good Day To Die Hard really was worse than Scary Movie 5, but the latter came from a line of films that were already less than stellar so it’s given some leeway. Die Hard 5, on the other hand, destroys any credibility the action series already had, and that in some cases is a worse crime committed than anything by Scary Movie 5.
This is dreadful entertainment all the way through, absolutely nothing nice to look at, nothing fun to enjoy. The action is so boring and sloppily handled by director John Moore that thinking of numerous ways in how this movie could have been improved – the #1 reason being “by not making it at all” – is more enthralling and action-packed. Bruce Willis’ John McClane is now a masochistic douchebag, a complete 180º turnaround from his original character; and Jai Courtney’s performance is as wooden as his charisma. Throw in some awful villains – one of whom’s definable characteristics are eating a carrot and doing tap dancing, we are dead serious – and some complete nonsense about Chernobyl’s “real” intentions, and you get an action movie that should be ashamed to carry the Die Hard name.
Certainly the worst franchise entry of the year, this is as good a time as any for this tired series to die, and hard…
3 – THE HOST
Of course, the works of Stephanie Meyer are always going to be ridiculed no matter what, but when they result in a movie that’s THIS bad, THIS unentertaining, then it’s completely called for.
Say whatever you want about the infamous adaptations of her Twilight books, at least they were entertaining in how bad they were. The Host, on the other hand, does not even fit into the “so bad, it’s good” branding. It’s just really, REALLY bad.
Next to nothing happens throughout the entire movie, which really tests our patience as audience members, and when something does happen it’s all within Meyer’s warped sensibilities of young teen romance and “hardships”.
But what really grinds our gears about The Host is its romantic angle, particularly its young central characters. While Saoirse Ronan as always does her best with the thin given material as the main female lead, it’s the men that are just despicable. Max Irons’ Jared is by far THE worst on-screen romantic male lead we have ever seen – completely psychopathic on the verge of physically and mentally abusive, we cannot even acquire a suspension of disbelief to buy how Ronan could even fall for this raging douche horse in the first place. Jake Abel’s Ian isn’t entirely safe, either – though far more likable than Jared, he is still inconsiderate to how he treats Ronan’s Melanie/Wanderer spirit alien thingy and is, once again, just awful. Not all teen films need a love triangle, and here it’s not only unneeded but also a nasty one to sit through.
The Host is worse than all of the Twilight films put together, because it fails to even be entertainingly bad, and that’s a bold enough statement to make…
2 – PAIN & GAIN
The last time Michael Bay took on a real-life event, the result was the despised Pearl Harbour. Now, with Pain & Gain, he not only insults audiences even further but also insults the world of cinema by making one of the worst films he’s ever made.
The crime that became the genesis of this “comedy” was certainly horrific, as were the motivations of its perpetrators, but if you’re going to make a film ABOUT idiots then make sure it’s not made BY idiots who want to mine all they can the fact that they ARE idiots for the sake of getting cheap laughs. When you’re representing a crime this strange, yet still hurt a good deal of people, then the last thing you’d want to do is to try and make it an all-out stupid comedy. In another director’s hands, it might have turned out a little better, but Bay does what Bay does best and blows it up to a point where it’s physically harmful to sit through.
A vulgar, remorseless, mean-spirited, and downright ugly attempt at black comedy, not even Dwayne Johnson – arguably the best thing in it – can save this cluttered mess from being all pain, no gain.
1 – DIANA
<sighs> This goddamn movie.
It’s a biopic so horrendously-made, so ill-judged with its performances, so brain-dead with its writing of some of the worst dialogue you’ll hear not just this year but for a good number of years to come, that the less you know about it, the better.
In fact, we shall give you ONE description that should sum up how reprehensible it truly is, and whether you will want to watch it or not:
They turned Diana, Princess of Wales, a treasured icon, whose tragic death still emotionally hurts a lot of people, into a more entitled, self-serving, stalker-y and creepier version of Bella Swan.