We’re into the top 10 now, so let’s see which cinematic turds made the cut…
10 – G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
Originally scheduled to come out in summer 2012, its sudden move to spring 2013 took Hollywood by surprise, but now having seen the final product you can see why it was delayed so long.
It stands as one of the most unentertaining action sequels in recent memory, with any hints of plot being either non-existent or all over the place and its characters criminally underused or sidelined for more Bay-esque explosions. There’s only so much that Dwayne Johnson’s on-screen charisma can do, and while he remains probably the most enjoyable element it’s not enough to raise this level any further. Funnily, he manages to be the most enjoyable element of another film on this list, but we’ll get to that later.
The one big gripe a UK website like us has with this movie is the American flick’s treatment of its ally Brits. Not because London is entirely wiped out in an onslaught of nuclear weapons and a computer tech’s average Wednesday afternoon, resulting in the deaths of countless innocent civilians, but because it is entirely forgotten by the film’s end as the “heroes” celebrate and laugh with each about the successful mission they had completed. Yeah, that’s right, be proud of your services to your country while millions of people overseas are either dead or homeless and reassessing their lives now their livelihood is gone. You goddamn bunch of G.I. Schmoes.
Hell, we’d prefer it if Family Guy’s G.I. Jose was the one saving the day…
9 – RUNNER RUNNER
You know the Silence aliens on Doctor Who, where you instantly forget everything about them the moment you look away? Well, the evidence is right in front of us that Runner Runner was somehow made by them. It is THAT forgettable.
Literally nothing can be taken away from this film, what with its hacked-to-death plot and prolonged moments of boredom happening to characters we really don’t care about. All you’re left with is a complete waste of time and money, looking at what may as well be a blank screen. The casting of Justin Timberlake, Gemma Arterton and especially Ben Affleck does not help, because none of them are given any decent material to chew off of – though Affleck does at least try to be entertaining with his Bond villain knockoff main antagonist role – and not even the exotic locations of South America can add anything visually pleasing to even arouse our interest.
It’s one of those movies you forget about the moment you walk out of the cinema, and for good reason – Runner Runner is just a bore, completely forgettable and lacking in both style and substance.
When those Silence creatures declared that “Silence will fall,” who would’ve thought they were talking about a film where Ben Affleck has pet crocodiles? An ingenious twist, Mr. Moffat…
8 – R.I.P.D
Like a lot of other movies this year, R.I.P.D is a movie you know is going to be bad when going in to the cinema, but you are completely taken by surprise to see just how bad it really is.
Forget that it’s a painful rip-off of the Men in Black films, it’s a film that does not hold itself together on its own accords. Once more, we are given a story and characters that we could care very little about, as well as some of the worst CGI effects you’ll see all year. It is also painfully written and directed, so much so that you begin debating why you’re even still in the cinema. In addition, if Mary Louise-Parker’s frankly terrifying commanding officer character doesn’t scare you out of your seat, then you have balls of steel.
Jeff Bridges does his damnedest to save the film with a consistently entertaining performance, but try as he might he cannot save R.I.P.D from sucking the life out of you.
Another film on this list for Ryan Reynolds to cross off his CV…
7 – AFTER EARTH
A top 15 “worst-of” list wouldn’t be complete with that Hollywood punch-line M. Night Shyamalan, with what has to be his biggest disaster to date.
The numerous death threats from angry Avatar: The Last Airbender fans haven’t stopped the filmmaker from releasing a sci-fi where everything goes wrong, for both the characters and the audience. An unenjoyable experience from beginning to end, with some colourless visuals and some of the blandest writing and directing this year, makes for a viewing experience where looking at your watch is by far more entertaining.
Even more heartbreaking is that not even Will and Jaden Smith, whose chemistry was key for their earlier collaboration The Pursuit of Happyness, seem to be putting in any effort into their performances. Smith the Elder is completely charisma less, reduced to sitting down for the majority of the movie and speaking in a monotone Morgan Freeman impersonation; and Smith the Younger is a completely unlikable sod, coming off more as a whiny and spoilt child than an all-round hero.
After Earth is a movie that solidifies Shyamalan’s complete fall from grace, and certainly one that should keep him and his “talents” where they belong…
6 – THE INTERNSHIP
If The Internship had a face, we would happily punch it.
From the opening moments onward, you can figure out that this is going to be a tough one to sit through. Its jokes are completely tasteless, on the edge of just being mean for the sake of it, and the central product placement of Google is beyond horrendous. There is absolutely nothing worth enjoying about this “comedy”, at all; from the incredibly generic underdog story to its immensely hateable two leads, as played by Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.
The set-up seems fine – two older men go for a Google internship – but what they do is not only extremely unprofessional, it’s just plain selfish. Not only that, but they are never seen to be doing any real work; it’s all either down to their younger colleagues or Max Minghella’s Brit-accented villain (in fact, you’ll want to side with him by film’s end; he’s a dick, sure, but at least he’s actually trying and working hard). Why in God’s name we’re supposed to be rooting for these stupid, self-centred jackasses is beyond us.
Certainly one of the worst comedies in a long while, The Internship is a film you need to stay far away from if you want actual entertainment. Don’t even search for it on you-know-what…